To God be the Glory, GREAT things He has done...
I have always loved creative writing but high school was a long time ago so I'm going to try and arrange my thoughts in a way I hope you will hear the heart of what I'm learning from the Lord. It really is outward processing, so please bear with me, I've been on a journey of making my life more transparent :)
I had a bit of a moment today. A really deep moment where I felt something rearrange really deep within me. Some context: Be careful what you ask God for, His response usually cuts to the heart as opposed to merely fulfilling your expected answer. So anyways, I have been asking God for more perspective, for more transformation within me as we have been in this season of rest and little activity. During this time He has been faithful in bringing up junk, unforgiveness, and other stuff to the surface. It has honestly been great. I can't remember the last time I've felt such heart surgery than I have these past few months.
I am really desperate today. In prayer yesterday Angela and I had taken some time to come back to the Lord and ask if we should keep believing to go to Australia next week. We are needing to see around $9000 released to cover our rent and bill obligations as well as all the travel costs associate with the trip. As we took time to pray I heard an overwhelming 'Yes' in my spirit and an encouragement to not lose heart. There was a catch, I wasn't really sure what it was at the time, but the only thing I felt sure of with the feeling was it was related to trust. But, I wasn't really sure about where to go with it other than felt a real desire to spend some extra time in prayer over the next little while.
This morning Angela and I began our hour-long route to take the kids to school, it took extra long as today is garbage pick-up day... garbage trucks on, what felt like, EVERY corner. This fact combined with having a warm, sweaty child glued to me while I slept equalled a fairly grouchy Luke.
Anyways, after the final child had been deposited to school, we started sharing a little of what we felt like God was speaking to us. I was my usually incoherent, passionate self, muttering words which did not make sense, especially before I had a chance to drink some caffeine. If it comes as a surprise to you, I'm sorry, but we are not a picture perfect family. We are a real hot-mess, especially in the mornings. Sometimes I get it right and the house is spotless, kids are chirpy and I make coffee before I leave, usually a cool 50% of the time. Today however, everyone seemed to have their bad day all at once.
As we talked we were able to get to God's heart for us, it came swiftly, with no arguing, just surrender. And the thing that hit hard was the reality that He wants the Glory. HE wants the Glory in every part of our lives. He is jealous for us. He began highlighting many different instances over the past period of time where through our own insecurity or cleverness had said things to people, lack of gratefulness, etc how I have been robbing God from receiving all the glory from His call on our lives.
It hit home like a sledgehammer busting a wall open. I found myself weeping as I realized how tightly I had gripped my life and decisions for fear of losing control, losing my reputation, losing grasp of my expectations, wished and wants. It is shocking how subtly pride establishes itself in our lives sometimes, isn't it?
I was reading the story of Gideon the other day (Judges 6) and noticed one of the first things God had Gideon do after he had made an alter of sacrifice to the Lord was pull down the idol which was in the center of town. He first stated the big picture (Deliver Israel), then he was clear to remove the idol.
I felt God speak to me what I needed to do. Pull down the idol of self-reliance which had turned into a puffed up view of my abilities. He has not been unclear with us about the big picture and purpose of why we are here in San Jose, its just that He is pulling away and uprooting the things that oppose Him. Sometimes we love to look outward with these things, issues of society etc, but He is MOST concerned with the state of our hearts and true transformation in society comes form individuals coming alive in the Kingdom of God.
The reality I saw today was, the only reason I can do ANYTHING is because of Christ in me, teaching me to be my best self. It is so freeing, releasing the pressure I had placed on myself, my family, our ministry and embracing the freedom of walking intimately with Him one day at a time.
So, here's what I am going to do. Walk in gratefulness for how He is our provider and leader. Identify and thank Him for ALL He has done and will do. I am going to rest in His presence and trust Him to work out all things for good.
I hope my hot-mess is encouraging to you today. I pray for peace to flood over you in every circumstance you face today, I pray you will know you are NOT alone fighting. That you will know God is REAL, cares deeply for you and will make a way.
Jesus + Nothing = Everything.
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