what we are going through currently... Enjoy the read and please stand with us in prayer as we seek God about what steps to take and what to believe for... blessings... Luke
My house. God's house.
If you look back through my blog history you'll find that we went through a period of time where we were trying to buy a house. Now let me preface this by saying in the overall experience of trying to do this, it was such a great thing for us. In many ways it was the catalyst for us to seek God a little deeper than we had been doing previously and ultimately landed us in the USA. So very good things... But within the silver lining there was/is a dark cloud.
You see, I have been going through a very painful journey of healing these past 3 months or so. And it all started with something I wanted a long time ago...
We had hit the 10 year mark of working at a YWAM base in Australia. We had been heavily involved in ministry but I was feeling very unsettled. I felt like there was more but couldn't put my finger on it. We had been hit with a couple of major obstacles in our family so we were very focused on that and we felt somewhat disconnected to what God might be doing with our future. We felt like a big change was coming and we didn't really know what it meant except that it would be BIG.
We had gotten news that the house we were living in was going into foreclosure and since we knew big changes were ahead naturally it was an opportunity for us to buy the house! We've been waiting for an opportunity and I really WANTED a house. Something to settle into and call our own. Something that would be an inheritance for my children and place of hospitality for people looking for family. This is our Golden Opportunity!
So of course... We went for it! And we went for it with everything we had. Little did we know the emotional and spiritual toll it would take on me...
As I sought the Lord on it all I let my 'want' guide my hearing. God was speaking but I filtered it through my want. I was not going to let it go.... It was my natural next step and it became my right.
I know he wants good things for me of course! But it is within HIS will for me. And as I look back on the scripture, the visions and the impressions I got in that time... It was all leading to a bigger picture... HIS picture. I didn't know at the time it was about his provision and timing through our migration and setting into the USA. I just assumed that it was about the now and fulfilling my want. How mistaken was I?!!
So I was my own worst enemy. My hurt was directly because of myself... Talk about learning first hand about how untrustworthy my heart is!
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings." Jeremiah 17:9-10
Now, you could learn from that or you can make ANOTHER assumption of God... I have this growing assumption, as unhealthy as I know it is, that God will provide for my NEEDS not my WANTS. I know it stems from a string of lifelong disappointments and presumptions. But it my mind this theory is proven time and time again... And sadly, I am FULLY aware of it. I'm aware of God's proper view of me but I have chosen to walk in this lie for quite sometime... Guilty!
So in July,this really hit the fan when we had this sense to go to Hawaii. It wasn't necessarily a NEED (although Luke and I desperately needed a vacation and some time alone) but it was more of a WANT. I wanted some time for us to get away, hear God and get imparted to by the leaders of YWAM. However, we had nowhere near the money needed to get there... I honestly believe that God can totally provide. In fact I know He can... But will He is the question that rolls over in my mind. Remember... Its a WANT, not a NEED.
So I battled it over and over again. I was talking it through with Luke the entire time and no matter what he said or did... I needed God to blow the walls I had placed around Him off!
Luke was a rock. He was full of faith that God would provide and He did! And it was a HUGE breakthrough in my heart. Maybe I am worth some things. And it was all happy, happy, joy, joy as I basked in His goodness.
Now a few months have past and honestly, I haven't really been challenged in that area again. I knew there was breakthrough but my battle is far from over.
I had let some other friends in on this journey I was going through and they had sent me a letter with a challenge on it. The letter had said that in the next 6 months I had to ask them for one more WANT that I had... Doesn't seem like much but it is a huge challenge to me. And it was also a treasure to know that my friend want to see me grow and breakthrough the lies that are holding me back... So anyway, I've been waiting for a good one. I thought about my dream refrigerator, picture frames or a few outfits but I really was waiting for the perfect thing...
We got a phone call from the property manager of our house. In a nutshell, we have to move out because the house owners are moving back. So, no big deal. We need a house and God will provide. Easy. So we just talked it through a bit and let it be. Luke had an event to help out with that night and as he left and I stayed home, we both prayed individually and talked with God about it a bit. In our times alone, I really felt like God was speaking to me about us having our OWN home... "What God?? You know that we can't do that. Look what happened last time. I can't do that again!" I didn't hear God reply... I think I couldn't. I just chalked it up to the fact that I don't think I'm ready to do that all over again. It's just WAY too vulnerable for me. Plus, if I tell Luke... I'm pretty sure he'll laugh and gently remind me of the last time (like I didn't know that already). So I just went about my business and let it be... Until Luke got home. I guess I felt fine and bottling up my fears were fine by me, but as soon as Luke came home... I wrestled. And I wrestled until I couldn't anymore. As Luke was sharing about how the event went and what God had been doing there I completely interrupted him, "Babe, I have something that won't go away. And it sounds ridiculous but I need to say it. Then it will be done."
I felt fine sharing because I KNEW he would not be on board and I can go back to bottling and we'll deal with it all later. So I just blurted out what I was genuinely thinking at the time, " Ummm.. I'm feeling weary. And I don't want to rent anymore. It's been SO many years of popping all over. I'm ready for our own house."
There! It's out! I didn't really even add God into the equation as to not worry about getting it wrong. I just said what I wanted. Even though I knew it was a ridiculous request and completely undo-able for us. No damage done...
"You know what?... When we were praying tonight I felt like God was telling me that It's getting to be time. That totally resonates with me. I think God could be doing something."
In my mind I was like... What?!?! Oh no! Now Luke is on board! What's going to happen?? I don't want to do this again! But what I said was, "hm, really? That's interesting."
Now here we go! Inner turmoil... I just don't know. "I can't see it God... I really can't." Day after day and as we get a GROWING sense that this could be in our future... I'm afraid to speak it out and believe. I did it once before... And look at the hurt I carry. I'm trying to understand how this could happen. I know God can... He is the Creator of the universe! Of course He can... But will He?... I want this.
So, I wrote my friends about it in my want challenge. I asked for prayer as I walk though this because it is still a long journey for me. But in an effort to be vulnerable and transparent, I share my heart as I learn more about God and how He looks to me. I want a complete picture of Him without the filter of my self.
I received this note encouragement from my friends;
I felt God incline that, This isn't about the money. It shouldn't seem and feel like ANOTHER big money push to count every dollar. You're asking your Dad for a Christmas present.
You guys seem to strive for the money you need to survive - in an emotional and practical way - and that's totally understandable. I think that if this is going to be a WANT challenge for you that you should spend a little time to pray for the house and really really really trust that the dollars are in God's hands to provide, and then spend the majority of your energy DREAMING and RESEARCHING and THINKING about the house you want! Go look at houses. Dream. Design. Plan.
That's the real faith for you, right? That God isn't stingy. That he'd actually want to fulfill the desires of your heart. And honestly, it's odd Christian-ese to believe that because the desires of your heart include - relief for human trafficking and a home for your family that because one involves you that it's a less noble cause. It's not. They're both good desires that the Lord has given you freedom to feel and want. And he doesn't love you and your kids and their stability/future/your happiness less than a girl who's trapped in bondage. He really doesn't. He wants her to be free and happy and married and own a house if that's the desire of her heart.
So... it's not about the money.
Ask for the house you WANT. And Angela, not the minimum house you need. God knows what you need and will take it into account and knows better than you the parts of WANT that you want. Be the kid who asks for the Wii when the DS will do, or asks for the DS and gets the Wii. Your dad will figure it out. Ask BIG of him. He can handle it.
I KNOW that He can! And the question of will He??... Like I said... It's still a long journey for me. However, I know He is trustworthy. So I will continue to listen. I will continue to fight to move forward and grow. I will not be the same.
I read this today and felt it resonate within me. Continue to pray with us and for us as we learn to embrace Him in the unknown that He would blow the walls off of our thoughts and give us a greater revelation of Him.
He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress,
and for his children it will be a refuge.
The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life,
turning a man from the snares of death.
A large population is a king's glory,
but without subjects a prince is ruined.
A patient man has great understanding,
but a quick-tempered man displays folly.
A heart at peace gives life to the body,
but envy rots the bones.
He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker,
but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.
Lord, you are my security. I trust in You. Help me to be patient as I wait for You. I trust that you will give me understanding in your time... And Lord, wash peace over us as we transition again. We delight in You and wherever you lead. Thank you for your provision.