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Trust and hope down to the last second.

Hi!  This is a longish blog it is also fairly vulnerable so just a heads up!!  For most of you that enjoy Ang's writing, this is a bit of a step down, full of unfinished thoughts, run-on sentences and ugly confessions.  So here goes, I didn't proof-read it mainly because it was uncomfortable reading it a second time!

Over the past few months we have been planning to go to Hawaii for some much needed time away.  We have been looking forward to it, getting ready and we have also been blessed with people giving towards us going...  But, as we wait, 2 days out before we are due to go, we find ourselves unable to pull the trigger to buy the tickets... All this has brought out an ugly side in me.  The side that wants to retreat into a corner, put my head in the sand and wish it would all work out.  The side of me that is revealed to be faithless and cowardly, the side that when pressure is applied, tries to worm its way out of responsibility and place blame and sink into self-pity.

As a family that has been called to a lifestyle that has been till this point reliant on the support of others to fulfill our call, the thought of projecting a 'need' to go to Hawaii is firstly plainly uncomfortable and could even be construed as rude or excessive by others who would possibly love to go to Hawaii and maybe are saving up to get there..  At least, that is what runs through my mind every time we are in a place of need... Whether it is vacation, equipment, food, rent, I want to blame God or others for the predicament we are in instead of embracing Him in the midst of this great need.

To make an honest confession and be completely transparent before you, I fight the call of God every time I feel uncomfortable with it, this would translate into almost every time something difficult arises.  I fight it if it is going to make me look foolish.  I fight it if it is going to make me look naive.  I fight it if I think that by pursuing it may make me look to be presumptuous.

Truth is, when is the call of God not uncomfortable or inconvenient?  How can He trust me or release more to me when I push and resist Him at every turn?  Why would He pour favor on me when I am pouncing ready to place blame and respond with, 'told you so' when things get difficult.  It is by His grace that he doesn't give me what I want.

I didn't want to share all this today, but I see how I have been shaping who I am, trying to cleverly craft what others see.  I have walked a dangerous curve of wanting the things of God but living like I want the things of the world.  I have listened to the toxic but alluring voice of reason over the simple and abandoned voice of Jesus.  The lone voice that cries out over the noise of this world.

So, how does one get out of such a muddle?  Well, with pain, truth, honesty, forgiveness and grace.  You see, I know.  I've been here before.  I have felt the sting of realizing how wrong I've been, how misguided I've become.  The reality is, the older we become, and the wiser and more experienced we feel we are, the more calloused and hard our hearts become, the less pliable and shapable they are.  He calls us to be like children, like sparrows, so dependent on Him for leading, guidance and life itself.

I have forgotten the freedom of what it feels like to live with everyone knowing exactly who you are.  No surprises, no hidden crap, no false pretenses, just authenticity.  My wife is a wonderful example of humility and transparency, an example I am ashamed to say I have not followed because of my own fear of being made to look like a fool.

I have turned my calling, my desire to change the world, into a thankless sacrificial chore.  God doesn't need that.  He desires to have people jumping out of their skins to love, follow, obey and serve.  He doesn't need hard-nosed supermen.  I have lost the simple joy of responding in love and obedience.

So.  With all that.  Please pray for me, please pray for us as we learn.  Please pray for us as we believe for greater things yet to come.  Please stand with me as I return to a place of childlike faith.

Much Love

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The Haythorpes


This brought tears to my eyes reading it. I so appreciate the honesty of your writing... and I think God must be smiling with delight. I know all too well the urge to blame God or others, living out of fear & frustration, rather than living in acceptance and trust. Thanks for being so open and vulnerable...

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